1.
In Darfur, there exists a car bomb
that’ll dismantle a Rolex into tiny
shrapnel cogs. In Egypt, some
widow, 57, dies of exhaustion, starves
on the rinds of her own slanted tongue.
Trending now: Russian infant learns
Scriabin’s Sonata No. 5 in E-flat minor
on toy piano. Trending: Syrian rebels
steal secret ingredient to Starbucks frappe.
Sources say: “they are holding it hostage
under a heat lamp, pouring iodine into
open knife wounds.”

2.
According to CNN,
the president is launching
underwater missiles—filled
with deli meats—at Somali
pirate ships off the coast
of Mumbai.

3.
According to CNN, car insurance rates
have dropped by nearly three points.

4.
In 40 years, cirrhosis of the liver will be cured
with the adrenal gland of a house cat. Sources say:
“each kitten could save three to four human lives.”
Sources say: “PETA has begun firebombing the UN
with confetti explosives.”

CNN correspondent & revered
soothsayer, on the mass feline-
slaughter: Purr softly, baby
tiger—America’s ailing
will ring your neck & swipe
the posture from your spine.