The Northville Review
an online literary journal
Scouting Report

Paul Handley

A. Offensive Philosophy

  • Go to the open area of the floor and square up for air shot, while ball is otherwise preoccupied. Lock into the rhythm of the floor resilience, decibel level of the crowd. Follow through.
  • Attack where they’re not, probe soft spots such as Kingly Babb who’s notable physical presence belies gumption or innate sense for loose balls not highlighted in the playbook, perhaps due to pampered prep boarding school he mysteriously left after two years. We should assume the worst.
  • Run the floor as opposed to running the court, which is to run to spot on offense or passing target with fast break.

B. Defensive Philosophy

  • Run to end of court even if not useful because overachiever, Larry Spence will hound you to the corners for no purpose and wear himself down.
  • Allude frequently to pregnant girlfriend of star forward, Ricky Wilson.

C. What We Must Do To Beat Them

  • Reveal childhood secret to them in tantalizing sequence during jump balls, inbound plays, free throws
  • Disguise what lays beyond the hilt
  • Point out inadequacies to encourage emotional lapses (see above)
  • Money talks and BS walks.

D. Checklist Of Things To Cover In Practice Before We Play Them

  • Team unity-congratulate each other excessively even when miss a shot.
  • Touch often with slaps on butts, fist bumps, tousle hair, conscious eye contact with series of high or low fives, since habits become reality.
  • Please no drugs, alcohol or excessive sugar intake during the week prior.
  • Place results in a square before the game and visualize.

E. Officials-respect

  1. Which of the above officials let you play?  Sister Judy.
  2. Which officials call it close?  Crowly has hand-checking stopped if turns into a petting session.
  3. Any pet calls by any of the above officials?  In corresponding games, stealing is an out 90% of the time for the Sister.
  4. Any other noticeable tendencies?  Long legs of Crowly so fluid appear to extend into the paraffin floor.

F. Notes

  • Reread above or ask Coach.

About the author

Paul Handley spent a career as a student and a student of odd jobs. He has a paralegal certificate, attended law school for a year, has an MA, MPA, and is abd. He has driven a cab, scraped fish guts, sold meat door-to-door, Director of a truck driving school and multiple others. Paul has had work published or forthcoming in Bards and Sages, Breadcrumb Scabs, Burst!, The Driftwood Review, Gold Dust, Hobble Creek Review, iddie, Macabre Cadaver, the Maynard, Ophelia Street, Poe Little Thing, Potomac: Poetry & Politics, Red Fez, Short Story Library, Shape of a Box, The Smoking Poet, Winning Writers, World Of Myth, Yellow Mama and Yippee.