The Northville Review
an online literary journal
Actual Conversation with Anna the IKEA Automated Online Assistant – On Suicide

Daniel Romo

I may die.
Pleased to meet you, May.

I MAY die!
If you’re not sure, then I don’t think I can help you properly. Ask me a direct question about IKEA and I’m sure I can help.

Should I kill myself?
I can’t give you advice about a situation in your life, but if you need some information about IKEA or our products I can give you a hand.

I want to die.
That’s not a good idea. Perhaps you should contact somebody like The Samaritans.

I want to jump from a tall building.
If you want affordable solutions for better living, you are at the right place.

I need a suicide prevention hotline.
I can’t help you with that I’m afraid, but if you need furniture I think you know who I recommend: IKEA.

Please shoot me in the head.
I’m more than happy to start working, but please be a bit more specific with your inputs. Start by asking me something about IKEA.

What is it good for? Absolutely nothing. Now, let’s talk about IKEA.

Charlie Sheen.
Pleased to meet you, Charlie.

Kirk Cameron.
IKEA does not stock any Star Trek related products.

Please kill me.
Very well.

About the author

Daniel Romo’s work appears or is forthcoming in Gargoyle, The Los Angeles Review, MiPOesias, Yemassee, and elsewhere. His first book of poetry, Romancing Gravity, is forthcoming from Pecan Grove Press. His second book of poetry, When Kerosene’s Involved, is forthcoming from Black Coffee Press. He teaches creative writing, and lives in Long Beach, CA. More of his writing can be found at